My boyfriend is defective

I’m a little tired today.

Not terribly unusual for a Monday but today's a little different. Why you ask? Well I'll tell you.

At 3:00 a.m. I was in a blissful state of REM sleep when out of nowhere, my boyfriend bolted up to a sitting position from a dead sleep and in a panic started repeatedly screaming "I CAN'T FEEL MY HANDS" and flapping them about. I then in turn woke up in a panic and started shrieking and slapping him away from me because I was half awake and had no idea what the fuck was happening. He then jumped out of the bed – I assumed to escape my open handed punches - and started repeatedly beating his hands against my wall. Not sure why. Maybe to prove he still had them? To get the feeling back? It’s all a mystery to me.

So there I was, cowering in fear on my side of the bed absolutely in shock over what I was witnessing. I'm gripping my pillow for protection, and peeking out over the top of it because I literally can not look away from the horror that is taking place before my eyes. I'm trying to shake off the haze of sleep to make sense of it all, and for a couple seconds I even convinced myself I was still dreaming, as there just couldn't be another explanation for this: My boyfriend is screaming "he can't feel his hands" and beating up my wall at 3:00 in the morning. I was a little afraid that he’d grow tired of the wall since it didn’t seem to be putting up much of a fight, and instead try beating his hands against my face, when out of sheer luck my incessant screaming seemed to halfway rouse him. He then stops mid-scream, turns, looks directly at me and yells at the top of his lungs “WHAT THE FUCK JENN! SOMEONE TOOK MY HANDS! LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEONE TAKES YOUR HANDS" and with an irritated huff, he climbs back into bed and falls immediately back into a blissful sleep - hands happily attached where they should be - like it never even happened.

Great. How typical that somehow, of course, I’m the asshole in all this. How unsympathetic of me. Someone took my poor boyfriend's hands and all I can do is yell at him to stop beating his arm stubs against my totally non-threatening wall.

I myself had a little trouble falling back asleep after all that excitement. Not to mention I figured I should probably just stay awake in case one of the neighbors heard all the screaming and hitting and called the police to report a domestic altercation. What would I even say? "Oh, sorry about that officer... someone stole my boyfriend's hands. You know how it goes. My apologies. Have a good night now, you hear?"

The best part is that he remembers none of it this morning. Not a damned thing.

So I just wanted to give a big "thanks for the heads up" to his family for forewarning me that is the potential that my boyfriend could inadvertently murder me in my sleep by smothering me with my own pillow should he someday dream that I'm a ninja cornflake come to life on a mission to kill his family.

Like i don't have enough to worry about.