Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold…. Or With Meatballs

Imagine my surprise this past weekend when I inadvertently stumbled across some old files belonging to my ex-boyfriend while cleaning out my laptop. All these years have gone by and I didn’t even know I had them on there, as they were expertly hidden in a folder called “Jenn’s Important Financial Info" the contents of which are of zero interest of mine and never will be of any. I figure I must have unconsciously transferred the files over to a CD during one of my many midnight B & E reconnaissance missions to the home we once shared to reclaim my belongings. It's hard to really focus on the task at hand when you have two cats strapped to your chest in a Snugli, and are otherwise preoccupied with lowering a bureau out the window in the dead of night. Needless to say, things didn’t exactly go down amicably between us towards the end. But I’m over it. Really I am. No unresolved anger issues to see here! “Let bygones, be bygones” is what I say!

Anyway, one document in particular caught my eye – a text document, ominously titled “Confidential Document That Is None of Your Business” – password protected and all. I typed in my best guess of a password (it worked!) and a slow, satisfied smile spread across my face when I clicked it open and saw that it did in fact contain the holy grail of Italian Family recipes – the centuries old, passed down from generation to generation, heirloom, sacred, Italian Family Gravy Recipe, (or “sauce” to us non-Italians). Rumor has it that my ex’s great-grandfather (or Great-Nonno if you will) wrestled the stone engraving of the recipe from the hands of Moses himself (which is why there’s only Ten Commandments, not Ten Commandments and the Family Gravy), then when the stone got too burdensome for him to carry on his back as he traversed Italy by foot, he had Leonardo DaVinci draw it out for him on parchment. Later on, he sat at the right hand of Jesus as they ate the family gravy with some nice crusty bread (which Jesus then broke for the sole purpose of wiping his plate clean) during the Last Supper. Great-Nonno then crusaded on by smuggling the recipe out of Italy during the First World War and family legend has it that he held it clenched in his fist to draw strength from when he punched Hitler in the face, thus bringing an end to the Second World War. When the parchment it was written on got too tattered from the salt water breezes during his sail over the mighty Atlantic aboard the Santa Maria with everyone’s favorite Paisan, Christopher Columbus himself,  he carved the recipe into his own skin with the teeth of the world’s last saber tooth tiger so that it would always be with him. Upon his arrival to America, my ex’s great-grandfather is said to have introduced the idea of “a pasta course” during the first Thanksgiving with the Indians and the Pilgrims, a tradition that still holds true today.

My guess is that this didn't exactly go down the way I wrote it above, and that maybe, just maybe, over the years the family history got a little convoluted, but try telling that to an Italian Family. Take it from my past experience, should you happen to question time frames, war history involvement or the fact that Great-Nonno would be oh, say, 2000 fucking years old and not sitting at the head of the marble table right now beaming and nodding along as his story is once again recited as it was last Sunday at noon at “supper” and the Sunday at noon at “supper” before that, you will immediately be chastised and admonished with around the room signs-of-the-crosses and gasps of "MADONNA MIA!”.

So I learned to let it go.

Besides, like they said to me many, many times back then when this friendly, family dinner table banter took place… I couldn't prove he WASN’T there, now could I? Nevermind that "I was just jealous because my descendants were too busy gallivanting around looking for pots of gold to do anything noble, nevermind that they were all too drunk off whiskey to remember anything anyway." Boisterous laughter would erupt around the table and Uncle Vinnie would clap me hard on the back as though trying to dislodge a piece of proscuitto from my windpipe. I would stare down at my gravy in silence, knowing that the battle was lost.  Although to be honest, their broad assumptions about my ancestry actually weren't too far off from what my family is presently doing today.

But as the saying goes, the battle may have been lost, but the war had yet to be won. I'm sure that what I’m about to do now is a whole lot worse then questioning a little family history anyway.

The Italian Family Gravy Recipe is undoubtedly the most closely guarded secret an Italian Family holds near and dear to them. I’ll even go out on a limb and say that despite this one particular Italian Family’s technological mishap, it would probably be easier to sneak into Area 51 and take photos of yourself salsa dancing with aliens to post on your Facebook page than it is to get the Italian Family Gravy Recipe. They won’t even tell you what’s IN IT, never mind how they cook it. Even in the past when I would try to make casual conversation at family dinners by exclaiming, “Wow this is fantastic! Is that basil that I taste?”. Silence would momentarily fill the room, and the only sound to be heard was the plastic couch protector crinkling as someone uncomfortably shifted their weight to fill the awkward silence. I’d be met with a steely glare followed by a wooden spoon knuckle wrap. “Fugghedaboutit!” they’d say, “Just shut up and mangia!”. They'd then exchange smug looks to one another, proud of themselves for once again fulfilling their duty to protect the sacred recipe and keep it from the hands of the undeserving. Potential intelligence breech once again thwarted by wooden spoon.

So anyway, I think we all know where this is going. Now, I know what you're thinking... but despite what some may say, I’m not a total asshole. I wouldn’t POST the family recipe on my blog for the whole world (by whole world, I mean 34 followers) to read just to settle an old score, make up for past misgivings and misdeeds. All in all, I’m a pretty decent person, so I do understand that this is a serious thing to them. This would be a sacrilege to the Italian Family, and lest I have a desire to wake up with a horsehead in my bed, even I know better than to do that.

So instead I'm posting MY recipe.

MY recipe (which I made this past weekend, and I must say it was bellisima!) is essential this Italian’s Family Gravy Recipe that I tweaked with my own ingredients. Or ingredien(T) that is.

I added salt.

So here it is, in all its glory… Jenn’s Famous Italian Family(style) SAUCE Recipe. (Oh I love it. I JUST LOVE IT. I am beaming as I type this.) Now of course, I don’t have all the history that they have…I didn’t smuggle it out of Jerusalem in a balloon shoved up my rectum as I rode bareback on a T-Rex to confront the Confederates or anything like that. My tradition starts right here, right now. And I hope the rest of you enjoy it and make your own memories as well. For you Irish out there, feel free to add some cabbage if you feel so inclined... Mexican's, I'm sure this would be delectable with a little beans and salsa.

And because I am a good person, a charitable soul if you will… how do ya like these apples: Feel free to duplicate this recipe and send to everyone you know.

Jenn’s Famous Italian(style) SAUCE Recipe:

Cover bottom of sauce pot with olive oil--not too much--thin layer of oil
Saute 3-4 cloves chopped garlic (if you burn the garlic, start over… the whole sauce will taste burnt)

Add:
3 cans Pastene kitchen ready tomatoes
3 cans tomato paste
3-4 medium size Hunt’ss sauce
Add about 1/2 cup-1 cup water
Add some fresh basil
Add about handful of romano cheese
And now for the SECRET INGREDIENT… dun, dun, dun….
A pinch of salt

In a separate fry pan add oil -.not a lot - and brown pork chops and sausages to a nice deep golden brown. Salt and pepper your meat when you are browning it. Add meat to the sauce. You can use the same oil for the meatballs as long as it hasn't burned. Pour some of the oil from the pork chops and sausages into the sauce for flavor before browning the meatballs. Add more oil to the pan before I brown the meatballs. You can also buy salt pork and brown that in the bottom of the pot, instead of adding oil, before sautéing the garlic.

Let it cook a good while....don't let it boil....just simmer....I turn it off when I see the oil come up to the top of the pot. Let it simmer 3-4 hours after the meat is all in. It always tastes better the next day after all the flavors mix in.

Ciao,

Jenn

Oh and P.S. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that should a couple guys donning track suits and chewing on toothpicks show up in my driveway in a Cadillac requesting that we "go for a little ride"... Just so you know I'm not afraid of you. As a matter of fact, at 5 foot 4 inches, I'm probably taller than you. But to be on the safe side, I'll be having Matt start my car for me in the morning anyway.