A really long winded post about nothing really important. Enjoy.

Like most Generation Y “nine to fivers” out there, I am addicted to Facebook. I am logged on to the site for at least eight hours a day while at work so that I can mindlessly check it for updates every hour or so when I get bored. I think it appeals to my (self-diagnosed) ADHD, like when I’m in the middle of typing out a work email, and inexplicably and without warning stop in the middle and check for new Facebook updates. It’s also a reward system so to speak. Wrap up a phone call? Check Facebook. Finish filing? Check Facebook. I’m not exaggerating when I say that if my employer ever restricted Facebook, I would probably quit my job. In the past year since I’ve been a Facebook member (prior to that I was on the archaic MySpace) I’ve used the site to join a book club, promote my blog, “meet” several members of my extended family in Illinois, hell I’ve even made several “real life” friends through Facebook. Furthermore, anything I need to know I ask Facebook. Can you recommend a good wine, has anyone seen Paranormal Activity, where can I find a good tailor? Facebook is all knowing, and I am a Facebook Professional. With my Professional Status, there are two things that bother me about Facebook. Scratch that. THREE THINGS that bother me about Facebook. One is Facebook Drama which I might write about someday if I feel like alienating a bunch of people in my life. The second is Facebook Illiteracy… My general thoughts on the matter are if you don’t know how to use it properly, LEARN TO (but I will get to that in a minute). The third thing that irritates me is the Facebook Crazies. Instead of wasting time explaining what a Facebook Crazy is, I thought I would just show you a prime example of a convo I had with one a while back:

hi
Between You and FACEBOOK CRAZY

FACEBOOK CRAZY
January 23 at 10:49pm
Any chance you are bi?
28/f
-ericka

FACEBOOK CRAZY
January 25 at 10:33am
i'm sorry to bother. i guess you're not interested. let me know if you change your mind. -ericka, 28/bif

Jennifer Martin
January 25 at 2:03pm
Sorry Ericka I guess I had issues with my Mobile Message feature. No unfortunately I am not bi, although I am flattered you asked! Take care... Jenn

FACEBOOK CRAZY
January 25 at 2:08pm
Do you know anyone who is? Or who is open to just bisexual talk on the phone?

Jennifer Martin
January 25 at 2:09pm
Um, no... sorry.

Aaaaaannndd… “BLOCKED”

Disclaimer… Sorry if any of you happen to be this particular Facebook Crazy. And if you are her...again, I’m very flattered. I wish I had the nerve to post her name because it is HILARIOUS. Seriously. Email me and I’ll tell you. And if you're interested in bisexual talk on the phone, email me and I'll hook you up.

So anyway, back to Facebook Illiteracy. Because Facebook plays such a major role in my life, I decided to sign my boyfriend up so he could understand what I was talking about when I said things like “How funny is it that Tara tagged me in that picture as her arm because I taught her that skinny arm photo trick?”, or “I mean seriously, does anybody even use the poking feature?” or “Holy shit! Stop with the incessant over-liking!” In the beginning I was really excited about Matt joining Facebook… I thought we’d exchange cute little wall posts to make all my friends jealous, mutually tag one another in pics, maybe someday we could even change our relationship status to “engaged” or something (HINT MOTHERFUCKING HINT).  But alas, he is just not interested in Facebook like I am. He never posts a status, never adds pictures, never comments my witty wall posts… nothing. Every once in a while he logs in, but he’s like a silent predator... he checks the scene, views upcoming events, sees what his friends are up to etc. and then as quick as he appeared, he’s gone. It is all very sneaky and gosh darn it... I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT. Let your presence be known for chrissakes! Post a status so I can comment it! As a Facebook Professional, I post incessant updates every five minutes. Go ahead and block me, I don’t care (and by “I don’t care” I mean “I’d be devastated”).

So a few nights ago, Matt stops by after work, walks into the kitchen where I’m cooking dinner (aka microwaving a Smart One) and he has that LOOK on his face. If you’ve ever been in a long term relationship you know The Look. It’s the look that says “It’s been a little while since we’ve had this discussion, but I feel it is my obligation as your significant other to occasionally remind you that I am a highly desirable creature capable of soliciting unwarranted attention from other beings. Though I would never act on it, I think you should be aware that at any point in time, I could act on my right to trade you in for a younger, newer model. I won’t, but just a friendly reminder that I could if I wanted to. Just keeping you on your toes.” Yup. I got all that from a Look. Don’t lie. You’ve used it before too.

Now I needed worry, for I’ve never been more secure with any other person in my whole life. I’ve never - in all these years - had even one iota of a feeling that Matt would ever act on his right to trade me in. He adores me as much as I adore him. But let’s just say that over the years, I may have let my guard down in the keeping up appearances area just a tad. Let me back up a second and explain that of all people in my life, Matt has seen me at my absolute worst, many, many, many times. This has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that we first started dating when we were in 8^th grade (that particular relationship ended tragically after five months when I had my 8^th grade BFF call him and break up with him for me. She said he sounded heartbroken), and over the past 15 years he’s held the title of “My Boyfriend” about five different times. Although we’ve been more “off” than “on” over the past fifteen years, nevertheless he has remained a near constant presence in my life which means that Matt has been with me through my awkward adolescent years, through my rebellious teenage years, my hard-partying twenties and beyond.

With Matt hanging around, it’s almost like being on the Truman Show because this kid remembers EVERYTHING. He especially seems to have the memory of an elephant when it comes to things that I personally would love to forget. You know, like the time I crashed a moped into a tree at full speed, thus permanently losing feeling in my left knee... or like the time his cousin threw a bender of a party where I had way too much to drink and Matt had to put me to bed for the night. Matt still gets grossed out when he tells the story of how he woke up the following morning to discover his t-shirt drenched in my urine because I peed the bed while passed out next to him. Yeah… all that sort of stuff you don’t really want to remember as you get older and more “mature” because things like that don’t happen to you anymore. Yeah, I DEFINITELY don’t do things like that anymore. For example, this past Sunday, Matt didn’t have to carry me fireman style from the bar and clean the puke out of my hair after I drank way too much wine at a baby shower. (He didn’t have to, because I probably could have walked.) And maybe this past Saturday he didn’t witness me as I came jogging out of the convenience store towards his waiting car, only to trip in front of him over my own shoe, lose my balance and hurl myself down an incline… rip my jeans, skin my palms, cut my knee, and provide a couple minutes of entertainment to break up the monotony of sitting at a red-light for at LEAST five waiting cars at a busy intersection (maybe Matt was the sole person that happened to be looking the other way?) Needless to say, I’ve provided him constant, near endless fodder of breakupable offenses.

So back to The Look. Matt recently got a Facebook enabled phone and he walks in and starts waving it in my face proud as a peacock taunting me and saying “I still got it! Haha! I’m a handsome mothereffer, and you better watch out because others are taking notice!!” So I take the phone from him, scroll down and see that he’s received a Facebook message from some hot young thing saying “Hey there, you are GORGEOUS! Are you single?” So now I’m pissed. Of course, I don’t dare show my hand and give him the satisfaction of knowing I’m pissed so instead I play on his Facebook Illiteracy and mumble something like “oh, I get emails all that time like that… it’s nothing, probably spam, and it’s just your lack of Facebook experience that makes you believe it’s anything but spam” because I am a Facebook Professional and he is NOT so he has to take my word for it. It’s friggen Spam. I said so.

The next day, I go to work and immediately log into my Facebook. I quickly scan Matt’s friends list for any new additions of potential threats and check out his “wall” for any new happenings. Right then and there, I immediately decide that I hate this girl. Again, Matt doesn’t ever DO anything on Facebook, therefore his entire page is all my posts to him. Tagged pictures from Bermuda, little cutesy love notes etc. How could she even ask (type?) with a straight face whether or not he had a girlfriend?  Didn't she do her Facebook homework? By looking at Matt’s page, it would be hard to determine he had anything BUT a girlfriend in his life. So she’s either another Facebook Illiterate, or she’s dumb as rocks. I’m going with dumb as rocks. So now my psychotic side starts to get the best of me and I decide I’m going to compose a sarcastic little post... You know, pee on the bushes a little, mark my territory. Something to the effect of “clearly you have a girlfriend” to put on his wall to let little miss Hot Young Thing know that my boyfriend and I have an incredibly open and honest relationship, and that we are so secure in our togetherness that we laid in each others arms all night laughing at her message and the very idea that she could ever come between us. Only I can’t post my cleverly crafted message about how he “obviously has a girlfriend” on his wall, or I would look like a friggen moron. Why would I look like a friggen moron you ask? Because right there on Matt’s wall there was a little blurb that said “Matt is now meeting singles in his area on Date-App!”

Well isn’t that nice! My boyfriend’s now meeting singles in his area via a Facebook Dating Application!  I had to laugh… (that is… I had to laugh AFTER I called him and told him he had five minutes to remove the post before I had my BFF call him and break up with him for me). Facebook Professionals such as myself know that you don’t click on any of those third party applications unless you fully consent to them raping and pillaging your friends list, having full access to your last five years tax returns, and sending out Christmas Cards on your behalf. They are the electronic equivalent of a cold sore. THEY DO NOT GO AWAY. Playing with them just makes them stronger. Matt was bewildered when I called him to tell him, and went so far as to google “how did Date App get on my Facebook page” as proof that he was not out philandering with the gorgeous single ladies of Facebook. Of course, I know better anyway. He’s a Facebook Illiterate after all. Plus I love and trust him and all that shit.

THE END.

Okay, maybe not the end…

P.S. I obviously did MY Facebook homework and consulted another Facebook Professional to get the skinny on Miss Hot Young Thing. After all that worrying and thinking I had to start cooking more meals and giving more frequent blowjobs,imagine my surprise (and relief) when I found out that Miss Hot Young Thing is a Facebook Crazy. She's the type that does this sort of thing all the time... Randomly messages guys in her area asking to get to know them etc. My fellow Facebook Professional insider gave me about six examples of different guys we both know that have gotten the same message as Matt. So obviously I took immense pleasure in informing Matt that it wasn’t has devastatingly handsome good looks that drew her in to his profile, nor was it his biting humor and sharp wit, his caring and sensitive nature or any of those things. She’s just a Facebook Crazy. But on the bright side… all those things are what made him draw ME in… five times now and counting.