Stiff Niffles: My Letter to McDonald's

Monday, July 27, 2009

Attn: Vice President of Customer Satisfaction
McDonald’s Corporation

CC: McDonald, Mr. Ronald
CC: Grimace

Dear Sir/Madam,

I would like to begin this letter by stating that in addition to being a steadfastly loyal customer of yours, I am now and always have been a big fan of your products. Being the type of individual who often engages in bad decision making due to over-consumption of alcohol, as well as one who is not particularly “health conscious” to say the least, I consider myself to be somewhat of a late night, fast food connoisseur. Now living fairly close to a major metropolitan area, I am fortunate enough to be blessed with a myriad of late night food options readily available to me. There’s the old standbys such as Bill & Bob’s, Kelly’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, etc. If I’m feeling adventurous I could take a ten minute trip into the city and visit the North End for some generic Italian food, or even hit up the Sausage King and eat my late night fare curbside. But ninety-nine percent of the time I choose YOU McD’s. The allure of your Late Night Menu, combined with the convenience of your Drive-Thru make you my #1 Late Night Contender. Your cheap, you’re filling, and most of all YOU’RE CONSISTENT. I can’t tell you how many Sunday mornings I’ve awoken with sweet and sour sauce smeared on my cheek, and a big water stain on my nightstand from the gallon of coke I left there before I "retired" for the evening, belly full, and happy. A night out drinking copious amounts of alcohol just wouldn’t be the same without a late night pit stop at McD’s. This is why I am particularly saddened to say that I am momentarily displeased with your service.

According to the date stamp on my receipt (exhibit A below, please disregard the grease stain), I arrived at your Route 1 north location at 1:55 a.m. Traffic at the drive thru was minimal, and I was prompted to order before I had a chance to fully scan your photo menu for recent additions/deletions, before arriving at my final decision. To buy myself some time, I asked my boyfriend (who was designatedly driving me, I might add) to order me a a Happy Meal, full well knowing it would not be available at this hour. As was expected, I was cheerfully informed that I needed to make my selection from the Late Night Menu, as it was 2:00 a.m. and only Late Night Menu items are available from 12:00 a.m. – 3:00 a.m. As a frequent proprietor of your establishment, I was well aware of this fact before I placed the order, but I figured (as I always do) that it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Maybe, just maybe, a Happy Meal would be available to me. Alas, it was not (please work on this), so instead I ordered my late night regular, which is what you folks over there at the Golden Arches refer to as The Number Ten. To refresh your memory (I know you're busy people over there), The Number Ten consists of the following: Ten pieces of all white meat chicken McNuggets, lightly battered and fried, a large sized fry, and a drink of my choice. (I went with Coca Cola and it was delectable). In addition, I asked for my fries well done and the voice on the loudspeaker assured me this was no problem.

So I pulled up to complete my transaction, hand over my debit card, and pay the $7.54required of me. I asked for extra sweet and sour (for fry-dipping, it’s a must) and extra salt. Here is where my first issue arises. I got A salt packet. ONE. Lowly. Salt. Packet. Are you guys cutting costs over there? One salt packet is barely enough to cover a small fry, never mind a large! Regardless, I had a few extra packs in the glove compartment from last week’s visit to your Laconia location, so jokes on you buddy.

Secondly, per my request the fries were NOT well done. They were border-line cold, and I should know I ate every single last one of them. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this matter, other than to say that when I make a special request, I expect it to be fulfilled.

And now we arrive at the reason for me writing this letter. After paying and receiving my meal, I drove away and continued on towards home, and began setting up my dashboard for proper nugget consumption. I never make the rookie mistake of putting the sweet and sour packet directly on the dash, as one quick stomp on the brakes and that’s just asking for trouble. Instead I move the nuggets over to the right side of the handy little container they come in, and place my sauce on the left. In general, happiness ensues. Not this time though buddy, not this time. I reached in the bag, brushed away an errant fry or two on top of the “McNugget” box, and discovered that the box appeared to be oddly misshapen for that of a nugget container. “Did they revamp the carton?” I wondered out loud to my boyfriend. I pull out the box entirely, and to my dismay I discover that I have inadvertently received a Number Three, i.e. a Double Quarter Pounder (pre cooked weight) With Cheese. I was flabbergasted! I double checked my receipt and sure enough I ordered a 10 Piece Nugget… so I ask you Mr. VP of Customer Satisfaction - How on earth did I end up with a DQP with cheese?! Did I receive someone else’s order accidently? Were your employees simply not paying close enough attention to one of your best customers? Maybe the Hamburglar was up to his ol’ hijinks again? Now, I may have been a slightly “overserved" at the bar, but I KNOW what I ordered, and I ordered a ten piece nugget. How dare you, sir. How freaking dare you.

Now, I admit that I failed to properly inventory the contents of my bag prior to pulling away, but really, this is just ridiculous. This was an obvious, glaring error on your behalf. Now in the event that you assume me to have been in too altered a state of mind to have made a mistake myself, as further evidence of this injustice, I’ve attached a photo of the Double Quarter Pounder with a copy of the receipt (Exhibit B) thus proving that I did in fact order (and pay for, I might add) a ten piece McNugget meal. Please do not mistake the fact that there are several large bites taken out of the burger to be indication that I was pleased with my substitution. I was just drunk, and it was edible so I ate it. Unhappily, if I do say so myself.

Now, in closing, I’m not going to go ahead and lie and say that “I’m done with you”, or that “I’m taking my business elsewhere” since we know I’d just be hurting myself. You have me by the proverbial balls McD’s, and you know it. Let’s just try a little harder next time, shall we? And maybe a complimentary 10 piece nugget is in order next time you see me at your drive thru.

Your loyal customer and #1 fan,

Jennifer Martin