Today began like any other day. I was awoken by my alarm at 6:15 a.m. at which point I reflexively hit the snooze button. Same thing 8 minutes later. And 8 minutes after that. At 6:31 I nudged my boyfriend... time to go to work! Must be regretting that you strolled in at 3:00 a.m. now huh sucka! Haha! Then I rolled back over for another 14 minutes of blissful sleep, snuggled up with the kitty. Ahh it's Friday! I feel GREAT!
My boyfriend was gone by the time rolled myself out of bed, and my first immediate stop – like most people - was to the Ladies' Room to get my pee on. So I did my thing, discarding clothes as I went because as the routine goes, immediately after my morning pee concludes I enter the shower. So here I am, naked and mid-flow (a.k.a. at my most vulnerable) when I glance up and see this:
My immediate thought was "holy shit this Thing is going to fall on my face and eat me!" My second thought was "HURRY UP PEE!!! I NEED TO GET OFF THIS DAMNED TOILET BECAUSE THIS THING IS GOING TO FALL ON MY FACE AND EAT ME!!!"
My third thought was: Boyfriend, you motherf**ker. I KNOW you saw this Thing, and you left it here so it could fall on my face and eat me.
This Thing was suspended on my ceiling and was about five inches long, with a leg span of two inches wide, and it had so many legs it looked furry. It was so big I could make out its facial features, and It literally could have held the door for me had I asked it politely. I could see its pulse. It appeared to have just crawled out of my bathroom vent, or as I call it "The Portal" as it seems to be the connection point that separates me and my apartment from some of God's scariest prehistoric and un-evolved specimens. This Thing hanging out on my ceiling looked like it had stepped into Bill and Ted's time travel phone booth in 900 B.C. and asked Abe Lincoln to "press 'Jenn's Bathroom 2008' for me please!" Think about it: If a creature looks exactly the same now as it did when Jesus was eating Dinosaurs with the Mayans, than you can deduce that it simply had no need to evolve over the course of history. If something had no need to evolve over millions of years, than it's obviously been doing something right all this time to skirt the need for further survival mechanisms. Doing something right like eating humans. Humans like me.
So I formulated a plan.
PLAN ONE: I'll just take a shower, and keep my eye on it the entire time. If it starts coming at me, I'll run like a motherf**ker.
REASONS DISCARDED: This idea was quickly discarded because not only is it impossible to not close your eyes or blink in the shower at all, but seriously if it started coming after me I know in my haste to exit the shower and bathroom before carnage ensued, then I'd slip and fall in the shower, split my head open and die right there on my bathroom floor. My boyfriend would come home to find naked, shampoo covered me, with a big centipede eating my face. I just couldn't let it win.
PLAN TWO: Don't shower today. Just get dressed and LEAVE THE PREMISES. When you get home, it'll be gone! Alternatives of Plan Two include: Shower upstairs in my landlord's apartment; rinse yourself off with the hose; Mexican shower; etc.
REASONS DISCARDED: There is no way I could leave the house knowing this Thing is in there. In the past, I've made the mistake of letting spiders live only to find them in places you really don't want to find spiders. Shoes, bed, toilets, etc. Give 'em an inch, they take a mile. Worse is when you don't find them, you just know they are there. Plus, this Thing was almost bigger than the cat and godforbid it ate the cat! And I really needed a shower.
PLAN THREE: Just kill the motherf**ker. Then shower. Simple enough.
PLAN THREE SELECTED AND READY FOR IMPLEMENTATION
Now that the decision was made to kill the Thing, I had to formulate a Course of Action. It could go either way. Literally this Thing was big enough that it could be a fight to the death, but if I methodically took my time and did it right, than victory would be mine. Being that it was on the ceiling posed an issue. If the initial blow from a shoe failed to kill the Thing and simply stunned it, gravity could take effect and it could land on me and eat my face off. Conversely, if it landed on the ground it could run up my leg and eat my face off.
In the end I chose to stand on a chair and use the Ortho Spray from a distance of three feet. I gathered my militia and stood there, ready, armed. I went for it and lobbed the first strike. Shock and Awe like you've never seen. It was a perfect arc, and hit the Thing dead on. It started scampering over towards the shower, wounded, but angry. I kept going, I didn't let up. The thing would not die! Finally, after sixty seconds of solid spray of the toxic substance it stopped fighting. It was dead… or so I thought.
DUN DUN DUN…....
I gingerly stepped down from my chair and went to inspect the damage I'd inflicted. As I drew closer, Ortho in hand, it started flailing about. It had faked its own death! It was a ploy! ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! I ran, screaming and naked from the bathroom and grabbed another weapon – a shoe, Steve Madden circa 2004 with a wedge heel. Heart pounding, I ran back to the bathroom and momentarily panicked when I realized I could not find it. Reality settled in, and I realized that I had made what could culminate into a fatal mistake by letting the Thing out of my sight. Just then, something caught my eye. The Thing was running down the shower wall, tasting freedom with each step of its 300 feet. This was it. Make or Break. I couldn't let it get away. At the last second, I changed my Course of Action and grabbed the detachable shower head and sprayed the motherf**ker. This time, I didn't let up. Five solid minutes of water boarding, and the Thing was definitely, 100% dead. I would not be fooled this time.
I took a few steps back... exhausted, but relieved.
Victory was mine.
(written July 2008)
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